Army Veteran Shannon von Driska is not only a member of our Military Sisterhood Initiative, but also one of the brave participants and climbers of the Mount Elbert Challenge. A group of unstoppable Veterans with mental and physical disabilities are coming together to climb the highest peak in Colorado, Mt. Elbert. Read more about the Challenge HERE.

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Dear Sister Diary,

I have sat down to write this at least 27 times (give or take).  Maybe it’s the content, maybe it’s because it’s about me. Whatever it is, it’s not easy. Candidly, I suppose the best way to start out is with a Trigger Warning because my name is Shannon and my story includes sexual assault.  To be completely honest with you, I need the trigger warning for myself because diving down back through the things that hurt the most definitely still trigger. 

Growing up I was loved, but I had always been hungry for a deeper sense of family. I remember the feelings I had when I was first stationed in my unit in Fort Hood. It was 2007 and I was ordered to stay put in the US because of a leg injury I had suffered in training that was continually worsening. My unit was a skeleton crew in which I was the only female.  I loved it though. I loved my unit and everyone in it. I really did feel like I had a family. I also remember feeling safe. So safe. Maybe it was because of the epic commercials I watched growing up of soldiers being all they could be. They looked heroic and always had some hardcore music playing as the soundtrack of their existence.  I had always made the assumption that I was surrounded by only the most noble kind of human. It honestly never crossed my mind once  that I might not be as safe as I always felt.

One night, the sergeant I always worked my 24 hour staff duty shifts with was off duty due to illness. I knew the sergeant that filled in for him because our units had worked together on some things in the past.  There had never been any red flags or things that set off my spider senses whenever I was around him.  He was friendly, handsome and seemed kind enough. Maybe a little quiet and a little awkward, but hey, so was I. Part of staff duty included doing barrack checks periodically throughout the night.  Me and this SGT had started walking out toward the barracks. On the lower level  of the building we were checking first was a desk and across from the desk there were a series of small storage closets.  I remember noticing how the desk was empty as usually it was staffed 24/7 as well. I remember having my flashlight in one hand and nervously chatting with the SGT about something benign I’m sure. Then I remember him grabbing my arm and shoving me into the closet. And to be honest with you,  I don’t remember a lot of details. I mainly remember not letting myself cry.  I remember feeling like I was screaming “no” at the top of my lungs but nothing coming out.  I remember coming out of the closet and someone seeing us. I remember bolting back to the other building and sitting with the other private pretending like nothing happened. I remember his face being cold without any expression.  I remember thinking it must have been my fault for being so chatty. I remember feeling guilty for cheating on my husband of the time. 

Unfortunately, this was not my first or last sexual assault but it was the only one that I ever told someone about afterwards. I told my doctor a month or so later.  I hadn’t slept since it had happened and I apparently looked like I hadn’t slept so my commander forced me into sick call. I remember being scared to tell. The doctor pulled it out of me like I was a fish who swallowed a hook. Once I told him my anxiety cranked even higher as I waited to be found out and judged or hated. But, absolutely nothing happened. No one ever asked me anything.  The only things I know that happened were that this SGT had received an article 15 six months later and had been demoted for fraternizing with a 17 year old female and that apparently his room was filled with bottles and bottles and bottles of urine.  These details at the time felt unrelated but as I mull over them later in life I find them to be relevant somehow.

Though I can not remember details, I still remember the feelings.. mostly because I still feel them everyday. Terror. Shock. Anger. Hatred. Questions. Mistrust for everyone including myself. Fear. Self hate.  Apathy. Etc etc. It’s almost as though the SA still lives inside me sometimes. As if it is in my blood dictating control and constantly inciting panic and internal chaos changing me in ways I never could have imagined.  I have sought after healing in a million ways for what feels like a million years. It has not been easy. I have not been easy for those that fight to love me either.  I have severely struggled with self harm and suicidal ideations almost every year since as I cannot seem to shake the feelings of being a burden.  I know this isn’t true, however, at the bottom of the pit, it’s hard to be convinced of anything else.  Hard to be convinced that everyone wouldn’t be better off without you. 

It has been almost fifteen years. I have come miles from where I have been, but without proper self-care, the SA is still right there ready to take over at any time.  I have found that the things that keep me going are of course my two sons and the others that I love.  Outside of love, purpose has been my other driving force. The Mt. Elbert Challenge sponsored by Challenge America is a direct reflection of this pursuit of purpose and healing.Together, my team of four and I are preparing to climb Mt. Elbert in Colorado which holds the record for the highest summit in the Rocky Mountains. Our intention is to provide resources and insight to overcoming hopelessness through purpose and community.   Myself and my team are all disabled veterans who have faced tremendous hardship by way of physical and or mental health disabilities. Two of us suffer from CRPS, a chronic pain disease nicknamed “the suicide disease”, one of us is an amputee, one only has one lung and another is fighting to recover from having both of his tendons torn from his knees.  All of us have also faced the pain of mental health conditions such as PTSD and have contemplated suicide and/or have lost too many brothers and sisters and others we love to suicide. Our world doesn’t need anymore loss and our veterans don’t need anymore pain. We’re climbing this mountain not just to climb a mountain, but rather to move it. 

Never alone,

Shannon

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One of the most important parts of a community, a sisterhood, and a strong and unbreakable friendship is the mutual exchange of stories and experiences. There are many experiences that are unique to who women Veterans are and what they have endured and survived.

The Military Sisterhood Initiative's goal is to build a community that fights together, laughs together, cries together, and heals together; therefore, we have taken the initiative to tell the stories of women Veterans through our Sister Diaries. 

This is an open call for all of our members, who feel comfortable to open their hearts, to email us stories about their life. If you’re interested to learn more about how to submit a story or to join MSI please visit www.militarysisterhoodinitiative.org.